Sterling's Truths for Life #12

Explanation

Some people act as if a child’s behavior is directly indicative of his or her parent’s ability to raise them. Some Christians will even point to a verse like 1 Timothy 3:12 or Deuteronomy 5:9 as prooftexts and make it into a full-on claim. This, however, is oversimplifying the reality. There is a kernel of truth in that belief, but it remains only a half-truth (a.k.a. a lie).

A parent provides tools to their child. If they raise the child poorly, whether it be by failing to discipline or through the application of hyper-discipline or neglect or abuse or any of the ways in which a parent may fail, that child can still have a fruitful and successful life despite the poor setup provided by their parents. There are many examples of this throughout history and scripture.

• Jonathan was a most excellent son even though his father, King Saul, was evil.
• Jacob was not a great father and ten of his sons plotted to sell the brother they hated into slavery in a foreign country and yet the son who was sold, despite great mistreatment, served God carefully.

What kind of hope could Jesus offer if there was no hope for a child raised poorly? Of course a child is responsible for his or her own actions and can turn out well despite poor parenting.

Likewise, a son raised well can reject all good sense and turn to evil and crime. The human heart is full of corruption and even a well-raised child can go badly, horrifically wrong.

• Samuel’s sons took bribes and perverted justice
• One of David’s sons raped his half-sister and two rebelled against their father
• Hezekiah (pretty good guy) was the father of Manasseh (pretty bad guy)

So it is true that you may be able to infer some amount of poor parenting, particularly while children are young and live at home. But the true judge is only to watch the parent himself:

• Is a parent capricious? Abusive? Neglectful? Violent?
• How consistent is a parent with a child regarding punishments? Rewards? Affection?
• How consistent is a parent across all their children? Are there favorites?
• Does the parent hesitate to make judgement when the child’s behavior is clear?
• Does the parent judge harshly/reward without reason when the child’s behavior is unclear?
• Does the parent’s punishments match the crime? And do rewards pair with the success?
• Is the parent’s love purely transactional? Selfish? Enabling?

A parent is responsible directly for all these things. The child will, of course, be influenced by doing any or all of these badly, but it won’t necessarily mean the child turns to good or evil solely on that basis. Each person has his or her own agency and decides for him- or herself how to live. Their parents can help them or hinder them on the way, but cannot determine their way.

A child is responsible for his or her own behavior just as a parent is responsible for his or her own behavior.

See STFL #13 for the converse.